Assalamualaikum and hi!
How long has it been? 4 years? Oh Tuhan...
Just a little rant about myself. Here it goes...
I used to think that I'm a confident person. That I do not care what others think, unless when I do something which affects people. I am confident about my appearance, my personality, my skills and whatever there is to be confident about.
I believed that's the case until recently.
I don't know when it started, but I now care so so much about what people think of me. Even when posting a simple story on IG, my head questions a million things. What do people think of this story? Aku ni nampak mengada-ngada ke? Do I look like a weirdo? An edgy teenager? Am I cringey? And the list of unnecessary thought goes on.
That's only on social medias. Imagine the amount of thoughts I have on the things I do and the things I see in my everyday life. Damn.
I realised that I started to compare myself with others.
When I am not at the point where my peers have reached, I feel worthless. As if I'm doomed to not reach my dreams. That I will always fall behind.
When I have reached a point of my life where most of my peers are at, for example, passing an exam, I just thought well, that's expected. Nothing much about it.
It's becoming harder to find any good points about myself. To find anything special about me. Had I not realised that there is originally none because I was not looking for it?
Lately, I realise it has been hard for me to accept people's response on the things I do. I wonder if that is fear of inability to improve.
It is not like I am in constant state of sadness. Just a constant state of the feeling of falling behind and having nothing special about me. Well, is that sad?
